The Power for Marriage

Twelfth Sunday after Pentecost

August 11, 2013

Romans 15:1-2

The Power for Marriage

In the name of Jesus.

Now we who are strong have an obligation to bear the weaknesses of those without strength, and not to please ourselves. Each one of us must please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. (Romans 15:1-2)

I.

St. Paul tells you to think of others first. This is especially true of your spouse. But you don't. All too often when it would benefit you to be kind to your spouse, you aren't.

Remember that wonderful description of that good wife from Proverbs? That wonderful wife can be rather depressing. Who can measure up to that wise woman who sacrifices for others? Who truly pleases his wife for her good and builds her up?

Since the answer is clearly no one, you must ask yourself why not, and especially, why not me?

II.

A pastor once recounted a story about he and his wife and three sons were visiting friends in New England. He was hoping that at some point during the trip, his wife would read his mind and suggest that he should pop over to the nearby seminary bookstore. But she never did and he didn't bring it up. Pretty soon he was imagining that she did know how badly he wanted to go to the bookstore, but she was refusing to let him go!

After a grumpy day feeling sorry for himself, the pastor finally told his wife that he really wanted to go to the bookstore. When she found out why he was acting grumpy, she was unhappy, too, and said,

“Yes, [you going to the bookstore] would have been inconvenient for me, but I would have loved to have given you that freedom. I never get a chance to give you gifts, and you're always helping with something. You denied me a chance to serve you!” (The Meaning of Marriage, page 55)

The pastor was taken aback and had to stop and think. He realized that he didn't want to be served. He didn't want to be in a position where he had to ask for something and receive it as a gift. He only wanted to serve his wife because that made him feel in control. Then he would have the high moral ground. But that kind of “selflessness” wasn't selfless at all—it was just manipulation, so that he could get his own way because he loved himself.

III.

Love of self prevents you from serving your spouse. Self wants to be happy. Instead of carefully considering what is best for the other people around you, especially your spouse, you expect them to carefully consider how to make you happy. If they make you happy, then perhaps you'll repay their kindness. But when they don't (and they mostly don't), you become impatient, irritable, snippy, rude, grumpy, and filled with self-pity, and thinking about all the ways in which your spouse has failed to make you happy.

But here's the problem, as you see it.

“If I put the happiness of my spouse ahead of my own needs—then what do I get out of it?” The answer is—happiness. That is what you get, but a happiness through serving others instead of using them, a happiness that won't be bad for you. It is the joy of giving joy, from loving another person in a costly way. (Keller, The Meaning of Marriage, page 58)

Serving others, especially your imperfect spouse, is a fruit of repentance. Consider again the secret of marriage.

IV.

The secret is Jesus and His relationship to the Others, His Father and His Spirit. God is three distinct Persons, yet one God. Within this Trinity, the Father honors and loves the Son and Spirit, the Son honors and loves the Father and the Spirit, and the Spirit honors and loves the Father and the Son. So there is an “other-orientation” (Keller, page 59) within the very being of God Himself. In Jesus you see how true and lasting happiness comes from serving and honoring the Other. When the Son of God went to the cross, He was simply being Himself by honoring the will of His Father.

Before He died Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane.

Father, the hour has come.

Glorify Your Son

so that the Son may glorify You,

for You gave Him authority over all flesh;

so He may give eternal life

to all You have given Him.

This is eternal life:

that they may know You, the only true God,

and the One You have sent—Jesus Christ.

I have glorified You on the earth

by completing the work You gave Me to do.

Now, Father, glorify Me in Your presence

with that glory I had with You

before the world existed. (John 17:1-5)

On the cross, He cried out,

And Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Father, into Your hands I entrust My spirit.” Saying this, He breathed His last. (Luke 23:46)

You have been made in God's image. And even though you are corrupted by sin, we still cannot escape that God designed you to be oriented to the happiness of others. By nature you love to love yourself, but this will only lead you, ultimately, into misery.

[Jesus] told a parable to those who were invited, when He noticed how they would choose the best places for themselves: “When you are invited by someone to a wedding banquet, don’t recline at the best place, because a more distinguished person than you may have been invited by your host. The one who invited both of you may come and say to you, ‘Give your place to this man,’ and then in humiliation, you will proceed to take the lowest place.

“But when you are invited, go and recline in the lowest place, so that when the one who invited you comes, he will say to you, ‘Friend, move up higher.’ You will then be honored in the presence of all the other guests. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and the one who humbles himself will be exalted.” (Luke 14:7-11)

V.

But you always think, “You first!” Your spouse should change first. They should apologize first. They should be humble first. And this is what your spouse is also thinking. How do you break this stalemate of personal exaltation?

It only takes one to begin healing. As a fruit of faith it begins when you decide that your selfishness is the thing that you are going to work on.

Why do you look at the speck in your [spouse's] eye but don’t notice the log in your own eye? (Matthew 7:3)

What will happen if you refuse to conform to the pattern of this world (Romans 12:2) and instead carefully consider the needs of your spouse as greater than your own? Perhaps nothing. But perhaps something. Usually there is not much immediate response from the other side. But often, over time, your attitude and behavior will begin to soften your spouse. It may be easier for your spouse to admit their faults because you are no longer always talking about them yourself.

IV.

There are two ways of love. A poet once described them.

Love seeketh not itself to please,

Nor for itself hath any care,

But for another gives its ease,

And builds a heaven in hell's despair.

Love seeketh only self to please,

To bind another to its delight,

Joys in another's loss of ease,

And build a hell in heaven's despite.

(From William Blake's “The Clod and the Pebble”)

It is possible to be “madly in love” with someone, but that is mostly an attraction to someone who can meet your needs and address the insecurities and doubts that you have about yourself. You love them because they get you. But if that is as far as it goes, your relationship will result in you demanding and controlling your so-called “beloved.”

The way to true love in marriage is to run to the ultimate Lover of your soul. He carefully considered the needs of all others, including you, to be greater than His own. Therefore, at the will of His Father, He sacrificed Himself for your happiness and truly built a heaven in hell's despair. Refreshed with His blood and promises, you have been set free to give yourself in loving service to your beloved.

We love—because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19)

In the name of the Father

and of the † Son and

of the Holy Spirit. Amen.