The Secret of Marriage

Eleventh Sunday after Pentecost

August 4, 2013

Ephesians 5:25-26

The Secret of Marriage

In the name of Jesus.

I.

There have been many great marriages in the Bible. Adam and Eve. Abraham and Sarah. Moses and Zipporah. All these couples had strong marriages, but none of them had smooth sailing. Eve ate the fruit; Adam silently ate it, too (Genesis 3). Abraham pretended to not be married to Sarah when it was convenient (Genesis 12; 20); Sarah laughed at God (Genesis 18). Moses failed to circumcise their son, so Zipporah had to man up and do it herself (Exodus 4).

These are some of the great Christians of the Bible, but their marriages were far from perfect. I hope this is encouraging for you—these great heroes struggled in marriage just as you do. But they struggled within marriage, not outside of it.

This tells us that marriage can be mysterious and overwhelming. And that we need it, whether married or not.

This month I'll be talking about marriage. And this discussion is for all of us, whether you're married or not. Today I want to lay the foundation for everything else I'm going to talk about in the coming Sundays: the secret of marriage.

II.

What is the secret of marriage? There are lots of answers to this important question, many of them based on bad information and false assumptions.

In 2009 a young man announced online that he was never going to marry because he saw too many unhappy married people. A woman who agreed him replied, “Out of 10 married couples … 7 are miserable … I'm getting married next year because I love my fiance. However, if things change, I won't hesitate to divorce him.”

To many, both young and old, the secret to marriage is a consistent level of happiness and love. They want a spouse who is fun, intellectually stimulating, sexually attractive, and with many common interests. They also want their future spouse not to try and change them.

Due to this unrealistic view, that your future soul mate exists and that she will be perfect, many today are naturally scared of marriage and this leads to waiting a very long time to get married, not getting married at all, or getting married a lot. People are picky and expect way too much from marriage and from their future spouse. But it didn't always used to be this way.

III.

Think of cultures that still arrange marriages. As enlightened modern people, we are somewhat horrified that this still happens. We think, “Hasn't anyone told them that you should only marry because you are in love?” But our attitude is a relatively new one. The long-held view of marriage is that it was a lasting bond between a man and wife where children could thrive.

But this view has been gobbed up by the “enlightened” view that personal freedom and fulfillment are the most important things in life. Instead of finding freedom through self-denial, by giving up one's freedoms, marriage had been redefined as a means to finding emotional and sexual fulfillment and satisfaction. Now people marry for themselves.

New York Times columnist Tara Parker-Pope is quite honest about how the happy marriage is the “Me” marriage.

The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first? Not anymore. For centuries, marriage was viewed as an economic and social institution, and the emotional and intellectual needs of the spouses were secondary to the survival of the marriage itself. But in modern relationships, people are looking for a partnership, and they want partners who make their lives more interesting … [who] help each of them attain valued goals.

Pastor Tim Keller of Manhattan sums it well: “Marriage used to be about us, but now it is about me” (page 29).

The truth is you never marry the right person. No two people are compatible. We always marry the wrong person. We'll speak more to this liberating truth later in the month. But for now “wrong person” means that in marriage you discover that you've married a stranger. You learn after the honeymoon that this person is different from the one you dated. And now you'll spend the rest of your life in close personal contact with this stranger. You'll see their flaws, their quirks, their sin. You'll see it all—and they'll see you in all your sinfulness, too.

IV.

Now there is Someone who knows the real you. He's seen your ugly heart and evil desires, and yet He still wants to know you. Indeed, He already has sacrificed everything to be the Bridegroom. He has sacrificed Himself for you and your spouse. And His name is Jesus.

Jesus is the secret of marriage. He is the foundation of your marriage, because He has washed you and your spouse clean through holy-worded water at the start of your life and with the drinking of His perfect blood week after week.

Your marriage is an expression of the great Marriage between Christ, the Bridegroom, and His holy Bride, the Church, of which you are part.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. (Ephesians 5:25-26)

Because He died and lives again, your marriages have hope, because you don't have to hope in yourself or in your spouse, but in your ever-faithful and loyal Savior Jesus.

In the name of the Father

and of the † Son and

of the Holy Spirit. Amen.